Are you afraid your decision isn’t really a decision if you aren’t 100% sure? As I have said in The Baby Decision, 60/40 is a decision, even though you won’t call it that until, through time and reflection, you reach 80/20. Ambivalence is a normal part of the human experience. It may help to remember that when you chose a college or training program, your profession, you partner, or your home, you might have doubted that choice, even though it turned out fine.
Please note: if you’re single, you ideally have a trusted family member, friend, psychotherapist, or coach who has been a soundboard, and who can acknowledge that you’ve arrived at a decision (even if they disagree with it).
Signs Validating Your Arrival At A Personal Decision—Regardless Of Your Single Or Couple Status
- I have thought about this decision for at least several months.
- I have researched this choice through reading, social media, conversations with significant others, family, friends or professionals.
- I have done my own soul-searching and have not agreed to my partner’s choice before arriving at my own. (Even if you are certain your partner won’t agree to parenthood, it’s useful to figure out that you would have preferred parenthood or been neutral if partnered with someone else. This is important because:
- You deserve to have your partner listen to you and understand your values.
- If you agree to be childfree, your partner must understand your preference in order to thank you and to empathize with your disappointment, loss, and anger.
- Identifying what appealed to you about parenthood gives you, your partner, friends, psychotherapist, or coaches a strong foundation for figuring out how to meet some of the desires in other ways {this future post can be pasted in from The Baby Decision “Tug-of-War chapter Childfree at Your Partner’s Request? How to Stay Loving and Make it Work}”}}
If You Are In A Relationship
- We have talked about this decision for at least several months. We agree that we have given the decision and each other a reasonable amount of time.
- While we may have doubts and FOMO, we agree that this is the decision that we “will regret least” as Merle Bombardieri states in The Baby Decision. We agree that this is the best possible decision for us as a couple, even if one or both of us might have decided differently in a different relationship.
- Even though we may still have doubts, we are not haphazardly swinging back and forth between the childfree choice and parenthood.
- We are comfortable enough with our choice that we are willing to tell at least some family and friends.
- We have thought about how we will tell specific people who may not approve of our choice, but who it would make sense to tell, for instance, our parents. If we are at a loss of what to say, or concerned about their response, we have sought advice from a professional or trusted friend. We agree about what we will say. We will back each other up if questioned. This is especially important if we are going to be childfree because of the untenability of raising a child with a reluctant, unwilling partner. The partner who wanted a child may prefer to tell his/her parents privately, but they must be prepared to convince them that the partner has respectfully listened to their desire for a child and that as a loving, committed couple, they came to this decision together and request their parents’ understanding.
How do we tell our parents?
See my Ask Merle blogpost “How do we Tell Our Parents…?”
- We sense that our choice is jelling. It feels more solid every few days as we spend time talking together, imagining and planning.
- We are committed to paying special attention to our relationship as a family of two. We will take advantage of the strength of our bond, which will not be compromised by a child. If either of us uncomfortable with intimacy, we will use individual and/or couple psychotherapy or coaching to address this, so we don’t miss out on this golden opportunity that childfree living makes possible.
Why it’s important to tell others
See also my sidebar blogpost “Why It’s Important to Tell Others About Your Childfree Decision”
An invitation:
Please join us at The Decision Café, my new private Facebook group, and add your voice to the discussion. I can’t wait to see you there!
