By guest author: Katie H. Wilson
I recently considered ways that I could enjoy some of the things that parents enjoy with their children, but as an individual who is childfree by choice. I explored themes such as playfulness and how to still have the joy of children in my life.
However, one thing that has been surprising to me as I embarked on my decidedly child-free childfree life, was the parent that I could even become to my adult self. By both observing the wonderful parents in my own life and the life skills they help teach their own children, and by having time to reflect on the way that I was raised, in many ways, I am becoming a better parent to myself.
Observing the parents in my own life: I am grateful for the wonderful parents in my life. For now, I am especially focusing on my friends — especially those around my same age — who did choose to have children and now have babies, toddlers, and even school-aged children. I have learned so much by watching my own friends become parents. In many ways, they changed when they became a parent, but in many ways, they stayed the same — parenting became an extension of themselves — and some of the most beautiful and generous parts of themselves. Here is what I have observed and learned and I have tried to apply it to my own life:
- Messes happen: In my experience, no one has tolerance for a mess like the parents in my life — and I am not saying that parents’ houses are messy and that mine is not. Rather, the mess is embraced as part of the fun of life and worrying about the mess (which is temporary, which can be cleared up later) will only keep you from enjoying the moment. Make messes, have fun, clean up later.
- Nothing needs to be perfect: no parent I’ve never seen ever engages his/her child in a project because they want the outcome to be amazing. Instead, it’s a process — whether that be for learning, keeping the child occupied, spending time together, or just because the child happens to be there and happens to be interested. Perfection was modeled heavily for me as a child, and I grew up to be a perfectionist. I love my friends who not just embrace their children’s mistakes, but who show their own children that they too make mistakes, that mistakes are human, and that your garage cleaning project can still be a success even if you never found the perfect storage spot for the lawnmower.
Some of these lessons above are actually things I learned from my own parents… and some of them aren’t. One thing I learned from my parents was not to value my own boundaries, such as time, space and how I truly want to spend my day. My parents are very supportive and kind people, but they also modeled that it’s okay to bend over backwards for people while denying yourself your own needs. Service and sacrifice are good, but not to the extent that we’re ignoring our own health — whether that be physical, emotional, psychological, spiritual, etc. I’ve had the luxury of time to reflect on the lessons of my own childhood — both those that have served me and those that haven’t, and for the first time in my life, I am unapologetically and authentically asserting boundaries for myself and my own needs. It is hard, and many times it would be way easier just to fall back into old patterns, but claiming time for myself has also been empowering and it does become more natural. I am not sure how much harder fought these lessons would have been for myself had I had my own children, how delayed they would have been, or if I would have ever realized them at all while caring for another human life. I am extremely grateful for this insight and the space I have had to explore this on my own.
Speaking of being on my own, the final lesson I have learned through being a good parent to myself is that I really, really like spending time alone. I believe many of us do, but I think that my love of being alone was masked by the poor boundaries mentioned above, and also not really liking a lot of things about myself — many of which were magnified by being alone: I didn’t have any skills, hobbies or talents to speak of in order to deserve having time alone. Having time to myself has made me see this is NOT true. I am pretty good with plants. I’m not so bad at cooking and baking. I deeply enjoy reading, podcasts and learning and being exposed to new ideas. I also have finally returned to writing. At one point, I would feel bad when I had social plans and at the last minute I would feel like bailing. I realized that this wasn’t any reflection of the friend that I was supposed to meet up with, but it was actually a response and a mini moment of grief that my time alone was coming to an end for the time being. As I work to find more and more time alone — to work on a project or to do absolutely nothing — I find myself grieving the end of my alone time much less, and feeling recharged when I do meet up with my friends.
— Katie H. Wilson
An invitation from Merle:
Please join us at The Decision Café, my new private Facebook group, and add your voice to the discussion. I can’t wait to see you there!
