Continuing our new series called “Myth-Busting with Merle,” here Merle addresses another common misconception: that you will never know true love unless you have a baby or a child.
By Merle Bombardieri, MSW, LICSW
Over the years I’ve noticed that many of my conversations in coaching sessions, on Instagram, and in our “The Decision Cafe” private Facebook group for decision-makers (link is further below), involve some form of myth busting. Clearing away a scary false assumption such as, “I have to be 100 percent sure before I call it a decision,” makes room in your mind for actual, reality-based decision making.
For this reason, I’m excited to offer a new series I’m calling “Myth-Busting with Merle.” The goal of the series is to help you (and your partner) choose wisely!
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Myth #2: You’ll never know real love if you don’t have a baby or child
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TRUE or FALSE?
FALSE: I refute the claim that childfree people can’t experience the highest form of love. Although some parents describe their love for their child as unique, this quote is nothing but a pro-natalist myth used to pressure people into having a child even if that ignores their desire and their nature. There are many places to put your love, and parenting is just one of them! I say this as a mother who deeply loves her daughters.
Some women who love being parents might quote this myth to you because they’re afraid that you’ll miss out on what has been a great pleasure for them. They mean well, but they fail to recognize that you are a completely different person who would experience parenthood in a different way.
Others inflict this belief on you because they envy you: your work success, your loving partner, as well as your confidence and freedom. They’re eager to one up you by insisting that they have won because they have achieved that supposedly superior form of love that you are missing.
But if motherhood is not for you, having a child would never provide you with that oversold, often mythologized love. Instead, it would prevent you from giving and receiving the chosen forms of love that will actually make you happy.
I’ve spent the last forty years helping people make parenthood decisions. Ex-clients and readers often reach to tell me what their lives are like a few years down the road. I’ve had a chance to observe happy lives filled with love towards partners, pets, siblings, niblings, friends, communities, and even the planet.
Motherhood is only one way to experience love, and it might be the worst possible way for you. May you listen to your own truth instead of this dangerous myth!
Rather than worrying about true love with or without a baby or child, I encourage you to ask yourself, who and what do you love or hope to love? Which decision does that lead to?
What questions do you have?
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Let’s talk! I want to hear from you. Have you heard this myth before? How did you navigate it?
I will be writing more about this and other myths in my new book, expected in 2025.
If you missed my previous “busted myth” about freezing eggs to buy time, you can read it here.
What other questions or myths can I help you address? How can I help you make the right choice for you? Reach out to me via this website’s contact form, or in our private Facebook group The Decision Café, or on any of my social media pages: Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter/X.
– Merle
