Q: Nate asks about how to handle reading and discussing The Baby Decision.
Q: My wife Sara and I recently started reading our own separate copies of The Baby Decision. We are keeping a journal as we read and do the exercises. We are also trying to stay together in the same chapter. Should we discuss things as we go or wait till the end? I can see pros and cons for both.
A: Thanks, Nate for this wonderful question. Before I answer, I want to commend you and Sara for your thoroughness and courage with this scary decision! The payoff, in addition to answering the baby question now: you are honing skills that will make future decisions less stressful and more streamlined.
Until you asked your question, Nate, I’ve been advising people informally on how to use the book, but you have made me more efficient. With this written set of guidelines you’ve inspired me to write, people can download this information, and I can just offer a few personalized guidelines for reading The Baby Decision.
I am about to recommend one section that you definitely should read together, and one that you should not. Other than that, there’s no wrong way to use the book! After orienting you to those chapters, I offer tips for dealing with the rest of the book.
Read this together:
In The Introduction and Chapter One, “The Great Cradle Debate.” You’ll find eight tips to lower your decision-making stress, The Decision-Maker’s Bill of Rights, and the comforting fact that 60/40 is not the hopeless wishy-washiness you think it is. Rather, it’s the beginning of a decision that will evolve to 70/30, then 80/20 once you focus on the decision itself and not your supposed indecisiveness!
Reader Alert: The one chapter you must read separately:
The biggest mistake readers can make is doing the Secret Doors exercises together (Chapter Two). Even if the two of you typically share everything, the parenthood decision requires some alone time. The great thing about a loving relationship is that it brings you outside yourself.
However, to make the right baby decision, you must each go “inside,” for introspection before you go “outside” to talk to your partner. Only during Secret Doors’ “inside” sessions will you successfully use the power of relaxation, visualization, and reflection to discover your deepest feelings and values. Now you can listen to your partner without falling into traps of agreeing or negotiating before you know your own desires.
When should we talk about the Secret Door exercises? You may plunge right in when you finish the exercises or wait till the end of the book.
A possible advantage of sharing right away is that knowledge of your partner’s deepest feelings could be a useful frame for reading the rest of the book.
A possible disadvantage: the temptation to jump to conclusions that will change once you’ve gotten all the insights and decision-making skills that you’ll have after finishing the entire book.
Deciding on how many journals: separate, joint or a combination.
Are you using separate journals, or sharing one? Private journals give you freedom to brainstorm without worrying about your partner’s reactions. You can highlight passages you want to share later on.
However, a joint journal, in addition to the private ones lets you check in without each other, but not get so bogged down in talks that you don’t have the time to finish the book. Especially if you suspect that you are leaning in different directions, reading the rest of the book may change your perspective. That might make your eventual conversation much easier.
You might use separate journals for private brainstorming, and a joint journal for check-ins.
Advice about journaling:
More isn’t always better: Don’t force yourself to write a lot, just get down what’s percolating. Writing as little as two sentences every three days is typically productive.
Color: Consider using different color ink pens for child and childfree leanings. One color may begin to predominate. Readers tell me it’s fun to detect their leaning before reading all the content!
Privacy: Unless you want your partner to have ongoing access to your personal journal, you might ask them not to read it until you’ve given them the green light.
Advantages of saving most conversations till after you finish The Baby Decision:
As you decide between talking chapter by chapter versus waiting till you’ve finished the book, here are some possible benefits of waiting. Although you may benefit from talking chapter by chapter while the material is fresh in your minds, there are two good reasons for waiting till you’ve both finished the book.
- To avoid needless arguments.
Suppose you are leaning in different directions. This could change completely by the end of the book as you discover more about each choice and hone your conversational and decision-making skills.
- To cope with different reading speeds or pacing.
Is one of you is gaining momentum, tearing through the book on adrenaline while the other is chewing, savoring, and reflecting? Avoid the pressure to catch up or the frustration of waiting for you partner’s arrival.
Choose the format of The Baby Decision that’s most comfortable for you.
For instance, one of you may love using colorful post-its in the paperback, while the other likes the portability of the e-book. Our newly released audiobook is perfect if you prefer listening to reading, or multi-tasking while jogging or cooking. Also, if your partner has a tendency to hover over you while you read, studying your face for reactions, you may feel freer to come to your own conclusions while strolling or jogging. And here’s an audiobook bonus: exercise-triggered endorphins will erase decision-making stress. Also, if you have a kindle e-book you can use Whisper sync to shuttle between it and the audible download without losing your place.
Thanks for this great question. Let us know how this all works for you.
Dear Visitors:
1) What advice do you have for other readers about using the book?
2) And what questions do YOU want to “Ask Merle” for our newsletter and blog?
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