Continuing our new series called “Myth-Busting with Merle,” here Merle addresses another common misconception: that unless you are 100 percent sure or certain (“hell yes!”) that you want to have a child, you will ruin your life by becoming a parent.
By Merle Bombardieri, MSW, LICSW
Over the years I’ve noticed that many of my conversations in coaching sessions, on Instagram, and in our “The Decision Cafe” private Facebook group for decision-makers, involve some form of myth busting. Clearing away a scary false assumption such as, “I have to be 100 percent sure before I call it a decision,” makes room in your mind for actual, reality-based decision making.
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Myth #3: If it’s not hell YES, it’s hell NO!
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In other words: unless you are 100 percent sure that you want to have a child, you will ruin your life by becoming a parent. If you have even the slightest doubt or ambivalence, you should remain childfree. Otherwise, you will inflict misery on yourself, your child, and your partner.
TRUE or FALSE?
FALSE! The truth is that many former fencesitters who are now happy parents would never have had a child if they waited to be 100 percent sure! Many women and their partners have described having doubts on the way to the labor room and during sleepless nights with their newborns. Keep in mind that fencesitters leaning towards the childfree choice also have doubts and concerns such as FOMO and aging without children.
Acknowledging and addressing your doubts is an important part of wise decision making. Let’s say that you’re 60/40, with 60 percent leaning towards parenthood and 40 percent leaning child free—and this myth is paralyzing your brain! You can’t do the necessary work of examining your values, communicating with your partner, doing self-exploration exercises such as those in my book The Baby Decision with a paralyzed thought process.
However, your decision progress depends on exactly these activities to advance you to 70/30 and then 80/20! These actions increase your confidence and ease your doubts.
Know that you don’t have to completely erase your doubts. In fact, understanding what they are and anticipating how you will cope with them gives you the confidence to move forward.
You can’t make a decision that will be 100 percent regret-free, so ignore the hell YES, hell NO theory! Instead, ask yourself which decision you will regret least? Embrace that answer…
Now enjoy confidence in your decision!
What questions do you have?
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Let’s talk. I want to hear from you. Where have you heard this myth? How did you navigate it?
I will be writing more about this and other myths in my new book, expected in 2025.
If you missed my previous “busted myths” about not knowing real love without a child or freezing eggs to buy time, you can read them here.
What other questions or myths can I help you address? How can I help you make the right choice for you? Reach out to me via this website’s contact form, or in our private Facebook group The Decision Café, or on any of my social media pages: Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter/X.
– Merle
