- Celebrate in a low-key way — just yourselves if you are a couple, (or with a close friend or two if you are single) or invite a few special friends who support your decision. You could have a special dinner at your house or restaurant, or hike or picnic in a favorite nature spot.
- Celebrate in a grander way, a larger gathering, an exuberant party (when it’s safe again). You will be unlikely to make this choice if you haven’t told your parents or others who you think will disapprove, not everybody will be in the mood to celebrate just yet. Also, if one of you agreed to be childfree primarily because your partner couldn’t agree to parenthood, you may need to do some grieving and short-term couple counseling before you do any ritual at all.
- Take a trip. This can be useful not only as a getaway but also as a geographical illustration of your newly crossed boundary.
You can use this trip for pure pleasure, your R and R after the heavy emotional labor of toiling over this decision. It can be your second honeymoon. - Daydream and plan, if this appeals to you. Some of my clients want to use some time on their trip, if they take one, to brainstorm some new possibilities offered by their childfree life. Some examples: living and working in a foreign country, taking a road trip across the country, signing up for a marathon, renovating a house, taking a socially meaningful job with lower pay now that you don’t have to support a family. You might bring books such as Callings: Finding and Following An Authentic Life by Gregg Levoy, Childfree by Choice by Amy Blackstone, Designing Your Life, by Bill Burnett and Dave Evans, or The Power of Meaning: Finding Fulfillment in a World Obsessed with Happiness by Emily Esfahani Smith.
However, if you are considering taking this step during your trip, please follow this crucial rule I have for keeping it fun: You must both agree to this. Or if one of you wants to read, write in a journal, or brainstorm and the other doesn’t, let that person go ahead, but save couple conversations for when you’re back. Or you could daydream together once you’re back home. -
How Do We Tell Our Parents?
Give yourselves (yourself, if single) enough time to let the decision jell before you start telling anyone, or at least before you tell the people you think may disapprove.
Prepare psychologically to tell these people about your decision. This group includes not only potential grandparents, but also siblings and friends who wanted your potential child to be buddies with theirs. For more information, see the chapters in The Baby Decision by Merle Bombardieri “In and Out of the Pressure Cooker” and “Making the Most of Your Childfree Life).” See also the blog post “How do We Tell Our Parents…?” - Plan for the future. Consider economics saving for old age and researching living options for when you’re older.
- Consider ways of nurturing or being with children if that appeals to you. Research and plan ways to meet these needs. You may have absolutely no interest in nurturing anyone other than your partner if you have one. However, some people who don’t warm up to children enjoy mentoring young adults in their profession. Others nurture the earth through environmental work or nurture their community through volunteer work.
- Encourage your partner to plan and brainstorm if that isn’t their usual approach to life. Don’t bully. Just gently asking during a walk, or a meal, if they’ve had any thoughts about future vacations or projects.
- Give yourself permission to be ordinary. People who disapprove of the childfree choice will demand, “We’ll if you’re not going to have children, what big thing are you going to do instead?” It is true that childfree people often do extraordinary things, not only because they have more time, but also their maverick, creative, quirky personalities and outside-the-box thinking lead to unusual accomplishments. Despite all this, it’s outrageously unfair to say that childfree people must do something outstanding. By resting in the knowledge that you don’t have to do anything to justify your existence, your creative mind has the freedom to discover and act on interesting possibilities.
- Give yourself time. You don’t have to plan yet. You don’t have to have a burning sense of mission or know exactly how you’ll spend all the years that you won’t be raising children. You may move forward in steps, ruling out parenthood at one point without knowing what you’ll do instead, then spontaneously find insight and inspiration down the road.
Which options appeal to you? What else would you do? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
An invitation:
Please join us at The Decision Café, my new private Facebook group, and add your voice to the discussion. I can’t wait to see you there!
